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In the midst of trying to figure our where that “spark” had gone, last week Tiffany told me something that I’ll never forget:
I’m not very attracted to you anymore because you don’t have that passion that you had when we first started dating.
Ouch?
See, when Tiff and I first started dating, I was riding the wave of the ‘new Christian’ euphoria. Pick any of the seven nine (oops) fruits of the spirit: that was my middle name! I wouldn’t miss ANY church event for the world. I was organizing group outings, picnics, and bible studies. I would send her text messages quoting scripture. I led a passion-filled life that pursued Christ with energy and enthusiasm.
Eventually the wave died down and the euphoria faded away. Exit my passion.
In attempt to find my passion, I’ve spent the past six months or so flirting with the idea that I could have possibly chased it away with negativity (This Just In: You Suck). Books, bible studies, self-reflection, sermons, and advice from friends: although extremely helpful, none could deliver the same punch in the gut as your girlfriend telling you that she’s “lost that lovin’ feeling,” ya know?
This weekend while Tiffany was at a Beth Moore woman’s conference in Atlanta, I had plenty of time to think and meditate. What has become of me? Where is that passion that once was the very pulse of me?
What’s Wrong With Me?
I believe that my critical attitude and negative spirit have consumed me and stolen my passion for, well, life! In her book “Battlefield of the mind,” Joyce Meyer writes:
Positive minds produce positive lives. Negative minds produce negative lives. Positive thoughts are always full of faith and hope. Negative thoughts are always full of fear and doubt.
Some people are afraid of hope because they have been hurt so much in life. They have had so many disappointments, they don’t think they can face the pain of another one. Therefore, they refuse to hope so they won’t be disappointed.
Yep, that about sums me up.
So What Now?
- I admit, I have become a negative and critical person who has lost his passion.
- I want to change.
- I cannot change myself (I’ve dug the hole WAY too deep). I will rely on God.
- I know this is NOT an overnight process.
- I will NOT become discouraged during this ‘healing’ process.
Am I mad at Tiffany for calling me out? Absolutely not. She did exactly what she was supposed to do:
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Hebrews 10:24
I am honored to be dating a woman who is strong enough, bold enough, and loves me enough to have such a tough conversation with me.
I refuse to let negativity and a critical spirit define me any more. It’s time to drop the negativity and criticality, locate my passion, pick it up, and live an abundant life! Tiff, watch out cuz I’m about to be drop dead sexy!
Timberlake, you think you’re “bringing sexy back?” Heh, move over and let this friendly Christian show you how it’s done!
Side note: As usual, this post is personal, however, I bet it’s not unique to me. I’d encourage you to face your issues head-on and prayerfully seek repentance and redemption.
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Did you just blog about Justine Trousersnake?
Take it back, take it back!
I’m resisting the urge to offer unsolicited relationship advice except to say that any problems the two of you might be having cannot be solved by one of you.
Very brave of you to blog this, Bill. I hope things work out for the best, whatever the best may be.
No surprise I disagree with Joyce’s simple take on positive and negative thoughts. Yes it is great to have hope and think positive things, but great deeds can come from fear and doubt. If you just cover everything up with hope, faith, puppies, and rainbows you never get to anything real. I’m at my most creative when I’m faced with fear and I work to solve the problem, but not by relying on hope and faith. Maybe my problem is hope and faith sound too passive.
Anyway, that’s why I like your style, Bill, you admit it isn’t all as simple as puppy rainbows and you exaime why.
Bill:
Great to hear you are doing some soul searching. Don’t forget that many of the Bible-greats had times where they felt distant from God. But stay strong brother, and remember what you find in James 1:2-4.
And praise God for Tiffany. The wounds of a friend are faithful (Prov. 27:6)!!!
For His Glory,
Jason
Man I love that Girl! I have to say Bill, I’m glad she stuck it to you. There is nothing I love more about you guys than your ability to be painfully honest.
Glad to see Joyce is hitting home. I think that book should be a staple to every Christians library.
…I love the Bud Light truck in the reflection of the window. You have to get the sponsors in somehow, huh?
I’m loving the honesty from both you and Tif!
Bill, I read this recently on a blog:
I’m glad you’re working on your relationship issues with Tiffany.
Please remember it was Tiffany not God who said “I’m not very attracted to you anymore because you don’t have that passion that you had when we first started dating.”
It seems to me that your solution to what Tiffany said is to throw yourself into trying harder. Yet the person I quoted says that’s religion and it goes nowhere.
Who is right - the person who I quoted or the person who wrote this post? Is trying harder the answer or not?
Please think about that as you appropriately address anything you need to address with Tiffany.
(btw, minor issue: I thought there were nine attributes of the fruit of the Spirit, not seven?)
hov,
I agree! So does Tiff.
HappyNat,
Thanks! I try to be honest :)>-
Rheagan,
We try. Sometimes it isn’t easy, but boy is it liberating!!
Jason,
Hahaha, that’s hilarious! I didn’t even notice that. Or did I…? Subliminal messages. :-\”
Hi Helen!!,
Whomever wrote that blog that you’re referring to clearly doesn’t have his/her head screwed on tight
I guess I kinda see this as apples and oranges. Religion is an attempt to earn God’s favor. That’s tiring and pointless and made extremely clear in the bible.
Changing the way I think (negative to positive), and losing the critical, judgmental attitude is stuff that needs to happen, girlfriend or not. I believe that THROUGH this stuff that my relationship with Tiff will inevitably be rejuvenated.
I don’t feel like I’m “trying” harder, per say, with Tiffany, but rather redirecting my efforts Also, these “efforts” will be minimal, as I pointed out in my original post:
Thank you for your challenging comment. I know I can always count on you for that. >:d<
Fair enough Bill - I just wanted to make sure you weren’t trying to solve relationship issues with a ‘religious’ approach
Based on my experience people definitely prefer being around someone who has a positive rather than a negative attitude. Have I told you I was in a small group Bible study a few years ago which studied Battlefield of the Mind? Even as an almost-atheist (yes, I was at the time - it was the last Bible study I was able to participate in before I had to say - enough, I’m not Christian enough for this anymore) - I thought Joyce had some good advice. In fact that’s why I decided to accept the invitation to the study in spite of my no longer believing what I used to: because I do agree that the battle often does take place in the mind. At least for those of us whose basic needs are being met.
p.s. I meant to add - it’s good to be reminded by someone willing to be honest with you that a negative attitude doesn’t just affect us: it also affects those around us, pushing them away.
Having said that, some people are beyond a ‘negative attitude’ and need help to deal with depression and anxiety. Sometimes people who seem overly negative need compassion not a kick in the butt.